January 10, 2007
[I like this song, if you have it, send it to me. I keep editing this post just because I want my 1644th post to be a happy post. Till then, I'll either stop posting altogether, close down the blog soon, or wait till I get something happy or good news to blog about. Added : 7.44pm]
You know what? I want to give up. I don't know if I can, I will try, I have to try, I'm forced to try.
You leave me with no choice. Cuz you already know by now. You already know, so very, very long ago ; I can't smile without you, never, ever. Yet knowingly or unknowingly, you're bringing me down. Down, down, down into the deepest pits of nothingness. You're leave me with nothing, absolutely nothing. Do you even know how it feels at all? You've always had everything you ever wanted, I suppose. I don't. Maybe I once did, maybe I thought I did, but I don't now.
I should have known. I should have known. I should have known.
My next best and smartest step would maybe be to starve myself to death. Day 3 and still counting.
Was my life ever worth living?
5days was all it took to change my life for the better, a few seconds is all I need to bring me down. So when will life be better again? Maybe this time it'd take me a lifetime, maybe never.
And don't ever, ever give me the excuse of it being peer pressure.
I don't even know if I'm ever able to let go, ever. You know I never meant to hurt you right from the very beginning and if I ever did, it wasn't on purpose. But you? You've mad me cry everyday and night, everytime I think of you, on the train, on the bus, anywhere along the streets, in front of strangers, in front of my friends, in the class, in the toilet, on my bed, for 4months straight and then once every 2days since that night where life showed me the horrible truth. I knew I had to wake up, I just couldn't. You made me want to runaway. You've made me so confused. You've made me fear places we've been. You've crush every bit of me so many times, so much that I've lost count. I didn't mind, I couldn't. I just couldn't seem to get angry with you.
Just because I know, I had to rely on you.
Just because I started doing so since that one message.
Just because I thought I could count on you.
Just because I cannot live without you.
Just because you know my deepest secret.
Just because you were the only one I didn't fear.
Just because you're the only one I trust the most.
Just because I fell for you over a dream.
Just because I thought you were the only one who understood me.
Just because you're special.
Just because you were everything ever I wanted or needed.
Just because whenever I feel I lose you, I'd lose everything.
Just because you always make me happiest girl alive whenever I'm with you, no matter what I'm going through then.
Now you're going away, somewhere so near, yet so far.
I don't even know what I've been doing for the past 4years or so. I don't even know how I'm feeling now, or how I should be feeling. Happy, sad, listless, afraid, annoyed, irritated, depressed, troubled, stoned, tired, distressed, free, suicidal, foolish, angry, upset, mad, confused, grief, hurt, fearful, positive, negative, numb, hopeless, surprised, to run away, or nothing at all? What a myriad.
So much that it hurts.
Whatever it is, thank you so much for everything, still. Maybe I'm saying all this because I still don't know how to feel. Till then, till then.
-nIx- @ [[2:36 PM]]
[I like this song, if you have it, send it to me. I keep editing this post just because I want my 1644th post to be a happy post. Till then, I'll either stop posting altogether, close down the blog soon, or wait till I get something happy or good news to blog about. Added : 7.44pm]
You know what? I want to give up. I don't know if I can, I will try, I have to try, I'm forced to try.
You leave me with no choice. Cuz you already know by now. You already know, so very, very long ago ; I can't smile without you, never, ever. Yet knowingly or unknowingly, you're bringing me down. Down, down, down into the deepest pits of nothingness. You're leave me with nothing, absolutely nothing. Do you even know how it feels at all? You've always had everything you ever wanted, I suppose. I don't. Maybe I once did, maybe I thought I did, but I don't now.
I should have known. I should have known. I should have known.
My next best and smartest step would maybe be to starve myself to death. Day 3 and still counting.
Was my life ever worth living?
5days was all it took to change my life for the better, a few seconds is all I need to bring me down. So when will life be better again? Maybe this time it'd take me a lifetime, maybe never.
And don't ever, ever give me the excuse of it being peer pressure.
I don't even know if I'm ever able to let go, ever. You know I never meant to hurt you right from the very beginning and if I ever did, it wasn't on purpose. But you? You've mad me cry everyday and night, everytime I think of you, on the train, on the bus, anywhere along the streets, in front of strangers, in front of my friends, in the class, in the toilet, on my bed, for 4months straight and then once every 2days since that night where life showed me the horrible truth. I knew I had to wake up, I just couldn't. You made me want to runaway. You've made me so confused. You've made me fear places we've been. You've crush every bit of me so many times, so much that I've lost count. I didn't mind, I couldn't. I just couldn't seem to get angry with you.
Just because I know, I had to rely on you.
Just because I started doing so since that one message.
Just because I thought I could count on you.
Just because I cannot live without you.
Just because you know my deepest secret.
Just because you were the only one I didn't fear.
Just because you're the only one I trust the most.
Just because I fell for you over a dream.
Just because I thought you were the only one who understood me.
Just because you're special.
Just because you were everything ever I wanted or needed.
Just because whenever I feel I lose you, I'd lose everything.
Just because you always make me happiest girl alive whenever I'm with you, no matter what I'm going through then.
Now you're going away, somewhere so near, yet so far.
I don't even know what I've been doing for the past 4years or so. I don't even know how I'm feeling now, or how I should be feeling. Happy, sad, listless, afraid, annoyed, irritated, depressed, troubled, stoned, tired, distressed, free, suicidal, foolish, angry, upset, mad, confused, grief, hurt, fearful, positive, negative, numb, hopeless, surprised, to run away, or nothing at all? What a myriad.
So much that it hurts.
Whatever it is, thank you so much for everything, still. Maybe I'm saying all this because I still don't know how to feel. Till then, till then.
-nIx- @ [[2:36 PM]]
